A Trial


I assume that I am the saddest mom ever. I have kept secrets throughout my life until feeling that death is wandering around me. But I don’t regret not to say that to you ,in advance. Actually there is no way to say that except saying directly. Years ago, I killed your father,baby. If you ask me whether I did this on purpose or not I can’t respond to you exactly.It is your right to know that night. I want you something for the last time: don’t judge me and read this to the end of the page not to regret :

It was an odd day. Your father came to our home from work when I was sewing up a tear of his trousers and imaging your birth. He was behaving nonsense and made me frightened with his persistent trials for sitting me down. Despite this, I didn’t resist him. He immorally said that he had a love affair and he wanted to divorce me.I lost my cognition. Actually I couldn’t perceive what was happening.. As we had planned before, I went to the kitchen unconsciously and  picked up a leg of lamb from the freezer but  I wasn’t aware of these. I came to the room where he was still standing since I had gone to the kitchen in order to set a table for supper. Can you believe he offered me money!He said that there really shouldn’t be any problem. he hoped not, in any case. It wouldn’t be very good for his job.” I had loved him with eternal feelings but I was mistaken and I understood that for the first and last time. He was selfish even in his last minutes while he was saying this to her pregnant wife nefariously.

At that time, I was out of my control. I killed him in a few seconds. I did this bravely and proudly. Because he had lost his rights regarding life’s all aspects by . Actually he commited suicide on purpose but he was not aware of that. This was an unavoidable end for him because he tried forcing a mom to raise her princess without a father . He chosen being a dead instead of King in my heart.. Despite that, life could give a second chance for him but he Also he had cheated on me and broken my pride so I was not able to wait to decide about giving a second chance to him. As I said to you before, I was out of my control. He destroyed his chance on his own.  I know that I did the right thing but I should confess that I am still suffering. My biggest anxiety for him is not related with cheating on me, it is being a cause for forcing me to do this and remaining suffering

You know darling, your mum always has been a cunning woman. I covered that incendant with excellent strategies. But there is no necessity to tell those trivials. If you have read this so far, that ensures you’re not going to blame me. Because you are my queen and you know there is always a valid reason about what your mother’s done. I am sure that you know whose decision it was. Never forget(!) even if I can’t be with you anymore, people create their own chances. There are some points in a long term of a life( I don’t imply some daily issues) for instance abandoning someone without remedy or parents and breaking someone’s hopes. Those are the things which can never have a valid reason. I acknowledge that killing someone is cruel but not as much as what they have done.

I didn’t want you to learn the genuines because a princess must assume his father as an innocent excellent king that’s why I haven’t told you the truth so far but as I told you at the beginning of the letter I am passing away and it is your right to know the reality. I have raised you despite of all the challenges and you have learnt an extreme number of things from me and that was the last lecture that I gave you.Even if I am not going to see your reaction, I am sure that what it will be.Thank you for your understanding.. Never forget I have always loved you and  I will be waiting for you in Heaven. For the time being “Good” Bye my princess.


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